Things are hitting me in different ways than I expected. I find myself sliding easily back into daily life in my actions, while my mind and thoughts race around trying to compensate for the obvious differences in life in America compared to the past couple months of Ugandan life. The past month has found me straightening my hair or putting on makeup and wondering what the point is, looking through my closet overflowing with wonderful clothes and finding nothing to wear, cooking holiday treats and shopping and enjoying time with family and friends, obsessing over silly tv shows and printing pictures of sweet children, writing names so I don’t forget. Because I don’t ever want to forget.
But in reality, I don’t think that will be the problem. Because as I find ways to fit a definitely changed but in many ways the same Hallie back into my normal life, I’m finding more and more discontentment in the way I live. There’s a closet full of clothes that I’ve collected over the years, beautiful clothes that my parents (I’d say I, but come on, that’s a lie.) have spent a lot of money on, and I want nothing more to get rid of it all. I’m stuck in a rut because I want to look cute, and I really do love and appreciate all my things. But at the end of the day, they’re just that, things. And I’ve spent the past three months living in a new different comfortable way without much, but with everything I needed. And now I have to figure out the balance between wearing only t-shirts and long skirts and having enough clothes that I could wear a different outfit everyday for at least three weeks without a repeat.
It’s a paradox that I’ll probably spend the rest of my life trying to perfect the balance of in some way, but for now, I’m working on living with less. Less stuff, but also less on my plate. Not heaping commitment on top of crazy commitment just for the sake of it, but really digging down deep, seeing where God is leading and slowly getting to a comfortable pace of busyness [busy-ness, not business] . I’m not sure what that will look like. I’m learning to say no, and starting to focus on what’s next. Seeking God’s direction, talking less, and praying and writing more.
Most of all, I miss those sweet kiddos and the wonderful ROS. I’m so thankful to serve a God who gives us not exactly what we want, but exactly what we need, and turns that into exactly what we want. A God who doesn’t always answer our prayers how we ask but changes our dreams, our soul’s deepest longings, and molds our hearts to be more like His.
In the next couple weeks, I’m going to try to write a couple of the experiences that I don’t want to forget, so check back for more. Thank you to everyone who has been reading and for all the wonderful encouragement I’ve gotten as I’ve seen people since I’ve been home. It’s crazy to me that so many people have been reading this! I’m not the best at expressing gratitude in conversation, but Thank you, Thank you, Thank you! It means so much to have so many people who care so much!
*This picture also doesn’t go with the post. (I feel like it’s becoming a trend.) However, it’s funny. And I love my sister. So it’s there. :]