Did you know that knowing people read the words you throw out to cyber-space sometimes makes throwing out those words willy-nilly a little harder?
That recieving compliments on your thoughts makes those thoughts a little harder to share?
Yeah, me neither. But it’s where I’ve been lately. I’ve always loved to write, but knowing that your writing has the potential to be critiqued, and critiqued negatively (although, thankfully, it hasn’t once been!) makes my brain-to-finger capabilities shrink to nothing quickly.
Or even worse than being critiqued, I fear being held to a higher esteem than I deserve.
Because, for one thing, I’m simply not that good of a person.
The work that the Lord is doing in my life is just that, the work of the Lord, and I want to make sure that I get that across in every word that I write on this little piece of web that I’m learning to love and use (and maybe continue after Africa? we’ll see.).
That He is the one writing this story.
That His is the glory that I’m incredibly fortunate just to stand in the edges of.
Because I want to remember, that just like the moon, I have no light of my own.
And I am able to shine brightly only because of the wonderful light of His Son.
I want to have the most positive influence possible, but mostly I want people to know it’s not about me, even when I act like it is, because I’m human, and just that is enough to be synonymous with self-serving.
I’ve been struggling with different things lately, but mainly the thought of not being enough.
Of wanting to do more. But wanting to do more for the sake of doing more.
You see, when I started this whole journey, I was kind of convinced that God was going to open some HUGE door, and, I was going to somehow not be returning to the States, or instead returning to the States with some goal, a major fund or awareness-raising purpose of some kind. Something like kids in horrible conditions that I knew I couldn’t leave, like Leah and Andrea and Musana Children’s Home. Or 13 daughters like Katie Davis (the post on Amazima is still coming. i promise. [if you care at all. :]].
Even before coming to Uganda, that was the goal.
And I knew it was possible.
Because I had read the stories of God working in other people.
I had stalked the blogs of people that God had done incredible things through in crazy African and Asian countries.
I had done the research, and I had the faith.
Actually, I still have the faith. But it’s slowing turning into a different kind of faith.
Because at the end of this week, I’ll find myself sleeping in my bed in my parents house in Ocean Springs, and in January, I’ll return to college, and my friends, and my church, and my tribe.
Soon, my life outwardly will be back to “normal”. But never the same.
Because God has different plans for my life than I had dreamed of, even if I do end up back in Uganda one day (that’s one dream I haven’t given up. sorry family and jt.).
God’s plans don’t fit in the little box of my dreams.
His plans aren’t one-size-fits-most but instead tailored for who HE created me to be.
And that might not be 20 years old, running a ministry, and living in a foreign third-world country.
The things I prayed for because I thought it was the biggest and best thing possible.
And it was. It is. For someone.
But the story He is writing for my life is personal.
It’s mine. And I’m learning to give it completely to Him.
Instead of pointing my sail in a direction and being disappointed when I don’t end up exactly where I wanted to be, I’m learning to look around, and to see what I do have.
Which is a fantastic family that loves me more than I deserve, wonderful friends that I couldn’t have done the past year without, the best boyfriend I could imagine, a love of people, a heart for Jesus, and a capability to accomplish the dreams He puts on my heart.
To let Him have control of not only the sails but the rudder too.
To give Him complete control, because He has it no matter if I give it to Him or not.
Because I know that His plan is best in the end.
And I know because I look back at my life, and at every decision that seemed impossibly hard and heartbreaking, but completely right, in the moment, has gotten me to the exact place that I am, the exact place that I am finally able to say, “God, you have control,” and mean it because I know that He truly does want the best for me, even if the best comes through hard times and not getting what I want.
Even if what I wanted seemed like it would be the best way for me to possibly glorify God.
And I’m learning to wait and be patient.
Because I do feel like God has given me a desire in my heart to start or do something incredible for Him. And I trust that if that is the desire of my heart, and my heart is seeking Him, it will happen.
But right now, I’m learning to wait and trust and grow in relationship first.
To seek and yearn for the Savior of the world.
To desire Him deeply first and foremost, and seek after what’s next.
To trust that He has a perfect plan, and that it will be revealed in due time.
To know that going home isn’t failure, but instead a gift.
That God has blessed me with allowing me to be with the ones I love the most instead of blessing me with a mission 8,000 miles away.
On a lighter note.. (and just in case I needed to prove that claim of being self-serving. :])
How much would it cost to get the Mohlers to make just one plain glazed Tato-Nut donut on a Sunday? Waiting until Tuesday seems a little cruel for this girl whose been craving that sugary goodness since she left Ocean Springs three months ago.